confessions of serial negative self-talker

This entry may seem all wonky, grammatically etc, please forgive! I was jotting down as quickly as I could just to get it all out!

It all started Monday night at volleyball. We defaulted our game, due to not enough players, so that put me in a rather foul mood. Then, while practising it felt like nobody was taking it seriously, which only added to the mood. At the end we decided to just bumb around in a circle, and if you missed a pass you had to drop and do 5 push-ups…that’s not to many 8 months ago, that would felt like nothing. I missed the pass, and dropped to do an easy 5 push-ups, or so I thought. I struggled. I popped out my 5, stood up and thought that was so bloody hard!

That night the negative self talk visited me, but I overcame, I punched out its ugly black form and went to sleep.

The next day, big snow storm hits Winnipeg. I leave early with a friend, and we walk to my car. Half way to my car, I am breathing hard. The snow was like sand, my shoes were slippery and I was struggling to stay caught up with my co-worker.

Again, that night the negative self talk visited me. I must go back to the gym I told myself. After 8 months of not going to the gym, I realized that yoga alone is not working for me. Who cares if you sweat at yoga. Who cares if your muscles shake in yoga, who cares if you feel like it is helping you. You must go back to the gym. You must start weight lifting and you most certainly must start running. These were all of the thoughts in my head.

Yesterday, Wednesday night Basic Alignment with Dillon, it was a difficult class, but certainly do-able. Not to much sweating, fairly easy poses, most of the time spent on the “perfect” alignment. Then we start twist poses. I like these poses, but for most of the class I struggled with the feeling of my body being in my way, and twist poses certainly didn’t help me with this struggle. I was so aware of my breasts being in my way, so aware of my belly being in my way. I was becoming extremely frustrated. By the end of savasana, I was crying. I was at war with my body. It seemed I had become two people, my insides, and my outsides.

I went home, received a phone call inviting me to the gym and I headed straight over. I I had to do this in hopes of feeling better about myself. I started on the treadmill, and much to my surprise, I was walking at a faster rate than I was 8 months ago, I was encouraged. I then went to the weight room to do 30-minute circuit (30 seconds on the step, 15 reps of some weights). I started with chest press, convinced I would need to do less weight than 8 months ago based on my push up performance I started with 12 lbs. It was so light, I switched to 15lbs, it still felt light and I finished 15 reps quickly and easily. I moved on through the workout and noticed with almost all things that I could increase my weight or remain at the weight I lifted 8 months ago. I was extremely encouraged.

I’m really glad I went to the gym, but not for the reason I originally thought I would be. Not because it made me feel like I had worked out enough to burn enough calories for the day. I was glad because it helped relieve some of the pressure I was feeling from the negative self-talk and because now I have some ammunition the next time it visits.

Yoga is good.